Sat. 4/2
179.6 lbs.
This exercise in structured denial is hard. I'm hungry. My head hurts. This morning, not eating for three hours after I woke up, wasn't too bad. It took some self-talk...this is stupid, what's it for, I'm not going to die.
Trust your therapist, this is why Mr. Olive gets paid the big bucks.
It got harder as the day went on. At 8 pm I said forget it, I'm starving, I feel funky, I'm eating. But then I remembered why I was doing this. Self denial, self discipline. Learn to say no to "I want it, I'm getting it."
So I waited, until 9. So yeah! I did it.
Dj
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Deliberate Denial, part 1
Well, it's Saturday, and I spoke to my therapist, Mr. Olive, on Thursday. Because he's not a psychoanalyst, we didn't get too deep into the why I indulge myself, sometimes out of control.
We did discuss how my inner "parent" is saying "NO" and my obstinate, rebellious child is saying, "I want it, I'm getting it".
So here are his suggested solutions:
First, because I use fast food as comfort food, I need to get my comfort somewhere else. I should "Fill my Bucket" in ways that are generative. Paint, bead, create things. Take care of myself this way.
The other thing is to practice deliberate denial. Practice. So my denial muscles are stronger when I need them. Challenge myself to build that discipline and maturity and be more responsive to the parent.
Because my problem is food right now, we talked about fasting. Incremental fasting even, like I'm not going to eat until 10am, then longer next time. Or, I'm only going to eat two times today.
I've only really ever heard about fasting for spiritual reasons, which, I know is Biblical, but presents a couple of problems for me. first, if I'm going on a spiritual journey, I would think I'd need to be in "retreat" mode, not trying to live my daily routine. How can I get any spiritual insights if I'm just living my life as usual?
Second, (and I mentioned this to Mr. Olive), it seems like the spiritual "revelation" that one gets in a fasted state is as likely to be an hallucination, like when Native American men went out to find their "vision".
But doing a fast, or partial fast, as an exercise in discipline seems to have some merit. I started yesterday by denying myself "samples" of any shakes I made. I will often drink a tiny portion of the leftovers after I've made someone their shake, especially if I'm hungry. That worked OK. I had to remind myself, and remind myself why, but I did it.
Then I told myself that after I had my breakfast bar (at about 5:30am), I couldn't eat again until 10. It was hard, and I was hungry, and the shakes were right there, and I'm surrounded by protein bars, but I did it.
Then, after I had dinner at about 5:30 pm, I said no more for the night except to finish the shake that I'd had for my mid-day meal. So far, so good.
Dj
We did discuss how my inner "parent" is saying "NO" and my obstinate, rebellious child is saying, "I want it, I'm getting it".
So here are his suggested solutions:
First, because I use fast food as comfort food, I need to get my comfort somewhere else. I should "Fill my Bucket" in ways that are generative. Paint, bead, create things. Take care of myself this way.
The other thing is to practice deliberate denial. Practice. So my denial muscles are stronger when I need them. Challenge myself to build that discipline and maturity and be more responsive to the parent.
Because my problem is food right now, we talked about fasting. Incremental fasting even, like I'm not going to eat until 10am, then longer next time. Or, I'm only going to eat two times today.
I've only really ever heard about fasting for spiritual reasons, which, I know is Biblical, but presents a couple of problems for me. first, if I'm going on a spiritual journey, I would think I'd need to be in "retreat" mode, not trying to live my daily routine. How can I get any spiritual insights if I'm just living my life as usual?
Second, (and I mentioned this to Mr. Olive), it seems like the spiritual "revelation" that one gets in a fasted state is as likely to be an hallucination, like when Native American men went out to find their "vision".
But doing a fast, or partial fast, as an exercise in discipline seems to have some merit. I started yesterday by denying myself "samples" of any shakes I made. I will often drink a tiny portion of the leftovers after I've made someone their shake, especially if I'm hungry. That worked OK. I had to remind myself, and remind myself why, but I did it.
Then I told myself that after I had my breakfast bar (at about 5:30am), I couldn't eat again until 10. It was hard, and I was hungry, and the shakes were right there, and I'm surrounded by protein bars, but I did it.
Then, after I had dinner at about 5:30 pm, I said no more for the night except to finish the shake that I'd had for my mid-day meal. So far, so good.
Dj
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Diet Failure, part 2
After I weighed myself, and saw that I'd gained all my weight back, I got right back on the diet. I also was determined to weigh myself every day, not just when I'd done well.
So, I ate well...salads, green beans, chicken, eggs, and chili that I made last week. And I lost a little weight, slowly, but surely.
Then, on Wednesday evening, I was tired, hungry, driving home from training my clients, and HAD TO go to Taco Bell on the way home. I didn't have any chicken cooked, I'd run out of lettuce, I didn't want to take the time...all kinds of ways of saying "I want it, I'm gonna get it". (And Taco Bell because it's cheaper. But it's not cheaper if you buy four things, and a Frutista). At least this time, it wasn't a three day binge, like last week.
So, up goes the weight again. From 180 to 180.8 lbs. But I had my therapy session on Thursday. More on that later.
Dj
So, I ate well...salads, green beans, chicken, eggs, and chili that I made last week. And I lost a little weight, slowly, but surely.
Then, on Wednesday evening, I was tired, hungry, driving home from training my clients, and HAD TO go to Taco Bell on the way home. I didn't have any chicken cooked, I'd run out of lettuce, I didn't want to take the time...all kinds of ways of saying "I want it, I'm gonna get it". (And Taco Bell because it's cheaper. But it's not cheaper if you buy four things, and a Frutista). At least this time, it wasn't a three day binge, like last week.
So, up goes the weight again. From 180 to 180.8 lbs. But I had my therapy session on Thursday. More on that later.
Dj
Diet Failure, part 1
From March 27
Weight-181.4 Back up to where I started.
Last week I had a really bad few days, diet-wise. I just gave in and had the McDonald's. I wish I could figure out why.
I haven't been especially stressed. Work is going OK. Clients are OK, all back. Life is going OK.
I need my therapist, Mr Olive, to psychoanalyze me, I think. Unfortunately, he's not a psychiatrist. He's a licensed social worker. That means he's a problem solver.
This is a good thing most of the time. I'm not one for the whys & wherefores of anything. Just tell me what to do about the situation. (I'm like that w/ training too. I don't need to know the why of every physiological thing going on...just how to deal with it).
But this time, I'd like someone, namely Mr. Olive, to give me insight into WHY I do this. Am I afraid of success? Am I afraid of getting thin? Do I just need to focus on something besides food & diet? Is it because of what a coworker said, that I've lost muscle, so I just gave up, knowing that it won't matter and won't help until I start really working out too???
I think Mr. Olive has his work cut out for him at our next session.
Dj
Weight-181.4 Back up to where I started.
Last week I had a really bad few days, diet-wise. I just gave in and had the McDonald's. I wish I could figure out why.
I haven't been especially stressed. Work is going OK. Clients are OK, all back. Life is going OK.
I need my therapist, Mr Olive, to psychoanalyze me, I think. Unfortunately, he's not a psychiatrist. He's a licensed social worker. That means he's a problem solver.
This is a good thing most of the time. I'm not one for the whys & wherefores of anything. Just tell me what to do about the situation. (I'm like that w/ training too. I don't need to know the why of every physiological thing going on...just how to deal with it).
But this time, I'd like someone, namely Mr. Olive, to give me insight into WHY I do this. Am I afraid of success? Am I afraid of getting thin? Do I just need to focus on something besides food & diet? Is it because of what a coworker said, that I've lost muscle, so I just gave up, knowing that it won't matter and won't help until I start really working out too???
I think Mr. Olive has his work cut out for him at our next session.
Dj
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